Worst of 2007

Alice Cooper, Golf Monster
By Alice Cooper. Crown, $24.95.
Oh, man. We’ve never found Alice Cooper scary, and as age advances he certainly doesn’t frighten us any more, but suddenly we find ourselves afraid for his dignity. Cooper is now, allegedly, a “golf addict,” and the story of how he got that way couldn’t be more boring: He was watching an episode of Star Trek between shows, and was bored enough to accept a friend’s invitation to hit the links.

There’s also a fair amount of nongolf autobiography here, but it’s of the typical, blow-by-blow stuff that plagues every other geezer-rock snoozer. The photos are even worse. On one page is a shot of Cooper performing “Only Women Bleed” in 1977, complete with fainting woman. Flip the page, and there he is in 2006 at the Bob Hope Classic laughing it up with Darius Rucker and Justin Timberlake. The scariest sight of all may be a mascara-less Cooper, staring out from under a visor.

Pimpology
By Pimpin’ Ken. Simon Spotlight, $20.
So here’s something you may not know: There are 48 “laws” to follow when you’re a pimp. Why 48? Because Pimpin’ Ken says so.

Ken Ivy is a Chicago and Milwaukee pimp, but as he says, “The biggest, baddest, most powerful pimp of all time is named Uncle Sam. Every April fifteenth he tells you to ‘Break yourself, Bitch!’_” Ken would like you to believe that these 48 laws will help you in your everyday life, proclaiming that everyone is either a pimp or a ho. But for the life of us, we couldn’t figure out how rules like “Purse First, Ass Last,” and “Look Out for Suzy Choosy,” could help an editor of a weekly books section.

Although, he does quote Sir Francis Bacon and lays out epigraphs from John Milton and Lil’ Wayne on the same page. That’s enough, apparently, to convince a major publishing house that he could write a book, and that it isn’t outrageously misogynistic and borderline insane to elevate the lifestyle of a pimp as something to emulate. Perhaps that’s Pimpin’ Ken’s best trick yet.

My Boring-Ass Life
By Kevin Smith. Titan, $14.95.
We admit that we’ve found every Kevin Smith movie wholly devoid of charm, and full of the kind of humor that makes us cringe for mankind. But on the flipside, his work in comics was decent, so we figured it might be worth a shot. We haven’t been that wrong since we thought Dogma might be funny.

The title says it all, but just in case, here’s a quote: “I wake up and shit, checking email in the process.” Or there’s this: “I head to the bathroom and play Spider-Man 2 on the Nintendo DS for a while, then lay down on the bed, doing more of the same.” And how about this chunk of wisdom: “I play more of the Spider-Man DS game, until I get too frustrated, unable to beat the Doc Ock final boss and shut the game down for the night, going to sleep to Cheers.” Need we go on?

—Jonathan Messinger