Tell me you love me

FOOD FOR THOUGHT Suzanne Keilly and Kirsten Roeters stuff their faces.

After Suzanne Keilly and Kirsten Roeters (known simply as Keilly and Roeters) wowed us at last year’s Sketchfest with their incredible chemistry, we wondered what had fueled it behind the scenes. Before their return engagement this weekend in this year’s fest (see the full schedule), we asked for more on Keilly and Roeters through the eyes of Roeters and Keilly. Here’s the transcription of the banterous tape we got back.—Steve Heisler

Kirsten Roeters How lazy is TOC?

Suzanne Keilly Yeah. Aren’t they the journalists? Shouldn’t they be doing the journaling?

R I know, right?

K Is that recorder on?

R Do I look like a tech nerd? [Lots of clicking sounds]

K Fine, give it to me. [Shuffling noise] I think that worked.

R Hi Suzy! It’s so wonderful to see you!

K Good afternoon, Kirsten. You look pretty today.

R Thank you, Suzanne. [Long pause] So…are you going to interview me or what?

K I thought you were interviewing me. I’ve prepared some excellent answers.

R So have I.

K Well, I didn’t write any questions.

R Your name goes first in our title. That means I get to do less work.

K Maybe you should’ve married someone with a last name starting with “A.”

R At least I’m married. [Long pause]

K So, Kirsten, how does it feel to be the less-interesting member of the team?

R Okay, this isn’t working. Why don’t you, like, casually bring up something impressive? Like, you don’t mean to, but it just sort of works itself into the conversation. [Loudly into microphone] Take out that part…

K Oh, ok…[Fake laugh] Say, this Denny’s reminds me of our trip to Paris last year…

R You mean where we won an award for our film where we touch each other’s boobs?!

K The very one!

R I know! I think that’s why the tech guy in Austin was throwing rocks at our hotel window that one night.

K When did that happen? Ouch! Don’t kick…oh…that time. [More fake laughing, simultaneous sighs, eating sounds] I’m so full and I can’t stop eating.

R I wish I was allergic to food.

K I always feel sick after overeating—does that count?

R Totally.

K So, what else have we done?

R Well, I’m in that upcoming Universal comedy with Jason Segel and Kristen Bell. Oh, and I was on Carnivalé…

K Ahh…I am starring in a movie and I’m a series regular on Code Monkeys.

R [Snort] On G4.

K So?

R Mine was on HBO.

K Yeah. [Long, uncomfortable pause] I’m bored.

R You want to order two more banana splits?

K No, I’m dieting. Let’s do a movie, I’m craving popcorn.

K Oh! Tell that story. About how we did that one festival? With the thing.

R Oh my God! Why didn’t we start with that? It’s the funniest story.

K Tell it fast, we’re getting cut off at 650 words.

R I do tell it fast.

K No, you don’t. You babble.

R You should be grateful that I can babble, since I’m always covering your ass onstage when you drop a line.

K One time! That happened one time! I just found out my dad had died.

R Right. I keep forgetting that. I’m sorry.

K Whatever.

R [Pause] You look really skinny right now.

K Thank you. I love you.

R I love you, too! This is so much fun.

K Tell that story before we run out of space.

R Oh! Right! So, at the ending of our show we have a finale where we do a pillow fight in our underwear, right? So, I can’t find my panties and—

Keilly and Roeters get more room to ramble at Sketchfest Friday 11 and Saturday 12 at 9pm.