Making her List

Photo: Suzette Troche-Step; Photo Illustration: Jamie Divecchio Ramsay

The comedian and Emmy-winning star of Bravo’s Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List gave us a call in advance of her four Chicago shows.

Time Out Chicago: Your publicist gave me less than 24 hours’ notice for this interview. You’re so busy, she said, I should, quote, “jump at this”—
Kathy Griffin: You’re damn right. This is a big opportunity for you.

TOC: Doesn’t sound like a D-lister’s life.
Kathy Griffin: Fuck, no. I pay them a lot of fucking money to say shit like that. I can’t say it. I’d sound like a total asshole. If it wasn’t them, my mom would’ve called you: “You better jump at this, goddammit! She’s very busy! Works too hard.”

TOC: I love your mom, by the way.
Kathy Griffin: Okay, you know what? It’s my show. I’m so sick and tired of hearing everybody come up to me: “Oh my God, you’re Kathy Griffin! I love your mom!” Never: “I think you’re wonderful.” I swear to God, if I could, I would fire her and put her in a home.

TOC: Your mom and her box of wine.
Kathy Griffin: And wouldn’t you think she’d have a little shame about it? She’ll run into people and they’ll say, “Oh, it’s so funny you drink a box of wine.” And she’ll go, “Oh, isn’t it good?” I go, “Mom! You’re supposed to say, ‘I only have the finest of wines. I was edited to look that way.’”

TOC: Hell, she’s 87. Let her drink her wine.
Kathy Griffin: Honey, 88. And whenever those articles come out, like, “a glass of wine a day can make you live longer,” well, that is very helpful to her when she’s on her fifth.

TOC: Any political prognostications? Will McCain have a stroke?
Kathy Griffin: I would just love to see the Republicans swift-boated. I know we’re supposed to be the higher-thinking party, but after eight years of this crap I just wanna see a picture of John McCain in the bathroom with Larry Craig. I wanna see their feet touching; I wanna see their pants down by their ankles. I think it should be the Minneapolis airport bathroom.

TOC: Now I have to live with that image.
Kathy Griffin: Sorry, but we have to live with the freakin’ war.

TOC: Let’s bitch about Oprah.
Kathy Griffin: Oh, happily! I live to give Oprah shit because she’s a perfect topic for my act; she’s really untouchable. And I love following all of her whims. It’s so arbitrary which guests she adores and which guests she’ll just crucify.

TOC: What happened to Oprah? When’d she become such a big know-it-all?
Kathy Griffin: She has lost touch with her audience and reality, but you can’t be that rich and powerful and not. Not unlike a politician—where they might start their career full of fight, and all of a sudden it’s health care for everybody as long as it’s still with Aetna. I am fascinated by her because she does so many genuinely altruistic things and she’s also completely full of shit sometimes.

TOC: Do you worry about that happening to you? You’re getting more famous.
Kathy Griffin: [Laughs] Have you met my mother? If I acted like Oprah for one day, she would assault me with a box of Franzia.

TOC: You’ve claimed your ex-husband took $72K from you. My question is, how much did you make that year?
Kathy Griffin: None of your business! What are you, defending my husband?

TOC: Hey, you asked Larry King how much he makes.
Kathy Griffin: Oh, I would love to know what Larry King makes. Larry King also never answered. I make a good buck, but it’s pitiful by Hollywood standards. It’s certainly more than my sister makes as a teacher. My sister taught in the ’hood for decades, like Cabrini-Green.

TOC: You’ve got deep roots here.
Kathy Griffin: Oh, yeah. I think I’m gonna go to my reunion when I’m there. Oak Park River Forest High.

TOC: What number reunion is that?
Kathy Griffin: It’s my—oh, fuck. Is it my 30th? Wait. If I’m 47…shit. My 30th reunion.

TOC: What are you like when the cameras turn off?
Kathy Griffin: I don’t talk that much.

TOC: You’re kidding.
Kathy Griffin: [Laughs] This is gonna sound really Celine Dion of me, but I am constantly on the verge of losing my voice, and then I have to go get a cortisone shot in my ass, so I’m very measured about that.

TOC: Do you do like Celine and tap your finger on the phone to communicate with people?
Kathy Griffin: Oh, I hear her husband and kid know sign language. If I could sign, I really would. But I know my mother would never learn it in response. It would still just be me having to yell at my mom.

Kathy Griffin plays the Chicago Theatre Sunday 12–October 16.