The fall stand-up scene

Jim Jefferies
October 16, 17
Lakeshore Theater

Kathy Griffin
October 8–10
Chicago Theatre

Hannibal Buress
November 17–22
Zanies

Mike Birbiglia
September 19
Vic Theatre

Jerry Seinfeld
October 10
Rosemont Theater

1. “I was raised Catholic. I was an altar boy as a kid, and the answer is, ‘No, I wasn’t.’ I think it’s because they knew I was a talker.”

2. “There’s nothing the lesbians can’t do. You move Suze Orman into the White House, she will remodel it, flip it and sell it to the Chinese for a profit. She would turn around the financial crisis in eight days, and she’d be walking seven dogs at one time and caulking a tub.”

3. “I just can’t drive in Florida. You know how the old people drive: They drive slow and sit low—that is their motto. The state flag of Florida should be just a steering wheel with a hat and two knuckles on it.”

4. “When a man sleeps with a lot of women, he’s called a stud, but a woman is called a slut. People think this is unfair. It’s completely fair. It’s easy to be a slut. To be a stud, you have to be witty, charming, well-dressed, have nice shoes and a fake job. To be a slut you just have to be there.”

5. “I was in Wisconsin, and the Wal-Marts there sell guns, which is weird. Do people buy guns the same way they buy condoms? Do they buy other stuff with the gun to make it look like they’re not there for that? ‘Yes, I’ll take the 9-mm and some apple juice.’”

Answer Key 1. Mike Birbiglia 2. Kathy Griffin 3. Jerry Seinfeld 4. Jim Jefferies 5. Hannibal Buress

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Check out the other sections in our 2009 Fall Preview:

RESTAURANTS & BARS | THE GET | AROUND TOWN | ART | BOOKS | CLUBS | COMEDY | DANCE | FILM | GAY & LESBIAN | KIDS | MUSIC | OPERA & CLASSICAL | THEATER