Susie two

Photo: Michael Cogliantry; Photo Illustration: Jamie DiVecchio Ramsay

She doesn’t once call me a fuck. For seven seasons, Susie Essman has railed against Larry David (“fuck you, Larry!”) and Jeff Garlin (“you fat fuck!”) on HBO’s Curb Your Enthusiasm. Yet over the phone, she’s almost demurely civil. “I am Susie Greene,” the native New Yorker says. “I mean, I created her, so that’s a part of me, but there’s so much more to who I am.” She reveals the rest in her new memoir, What Would Susie Say? (Simon & Schuster, $25), including her first marriage last year, at age 53, and the four kids who came with it. This weekend, Essman performs stand-up at Zanies.

I was expecting sassy quips. But in your book, you candidly discuss the not-so-funny aspects of your life: your suicide attempt, for example.
Stand-up is such a difficult thing to do, and people just see the result; they don’t understand what really goes into it. I felt vulnerable revealing so much, but I have no skeletons.

Well, you have skeletons—just not in the closet.
Nobody could David Letterman me.

Some other topics here: the death of your dad from cancer, the death of your grandmom, whose last words…
“Everything changes. Kish mir en toches.” [Laughs]

Which means?
Kiss my ass!

The best dying words I’ve ever read.
Yeah. Even in the depths of my grandmother’s senility, she still had a great sense of humor. Everything else left her, but she would make the nurses laugh up until the very end.

A sense of humor must come in handy with four teenage stepkids.
And a sense of irony. I am now the woman I swore I would never become: my mother. I used to think I was cool and hip. You’re the most uncool thing in the world once you have teenagers.

Sounds like you’ve taken to motherhood with open arms, though.
I haven’t fully figured that out yet. I never wanted kids, and then these kids were thrown into my life. I became their mother in every way—from the stupidest little details of making sure their homework is done to making sure their college essay is in on time to—

Not getting pregnant?
I actually had that discussion with my 18-year-old daughter the other day. She keeps on saying, “I’m not having sex with anyone!” And I keep on saying, “Yeah, but sooner or later you will, so let’s discuss it.” I’m so glad I’m not young anymore: “My hair doesn’t look right, I gained a pound, I have a pimple.”

How’d you and your husband meet?
Jimmy’s gay brother Mike was for many years my best friend, and I had never met his brother. He’s one of nine—a big Catholic family. Mike never thought I would go for him.

Why not?
Jimmy was divorced with four kids, he lived 150 miles away, he didn’t have a lot of money, he was in between careers.

Yeah, I see can why not.
Mike’s boyfriend said to me, “You’re gonna like Jimmy.” So I accidentally on purpose showed up where they were having brunch. I said to Mike, “Your brother’s cute. Give him my number.” And then he didn’t call for two weeks.

In the book, you’re very emphatic about sexual chemistry: If the sex isn’t there, don’t fool yourself.
I agree with that. I agree with myself!

You’ve fooled yourself before?
Yes. I’ve been in relationships where the sex wasn’t that good and I thought, Oh, it’ll get better. It doesn’t get better! I’m always surprised at these people who weren’t attracted to each other and then got to know each other and were. That’s never happened to me.

Do you still feel intense stage fright before your stand-up?
Yeah. I don’t know how to fix it.

How does that play out?
I’ll start yelling at Jimmy. I feel dread, and it’s brutal. It’s scary out there! Especially when you have to make people laugh. And I’m all by myself!

Who’d you pattern Susie Greene after?
I performed at every Jewish country club in the tristate area, and after the shows, they’d come over to me, these women. I was revolted by them and envied them. They seemed so absolutely secure in who they were.

When was the last time a stranger asked you to call them a fat fuck?
Just yesterday I was in the store buying some grapes, and somebody came up to me and said in this pleading voice, “Please just say, ‘Fuck you, Larry.’ Please, please, please just say, ‘Fuck you, Larry.’ ” [Laughs]

And did you?
I did because that’s the only way to get rid of these people!

Susie Essman plays Zanies Friday 6 and Sunday 8.

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