Wishy-washy in Wrigleyville

I’ve been a Cubs fan all of my life, going back to the days of Jose Cardenal, Ivan DeJesus and a guy named Pete LaCock (seriously). But as this miserable season winds down, I’ve been thinking terrible, treasonous thoughts. The Cubs have been so bad, so lifeless, so plain awful, that I’ve considered giving up my season tickets and saying good-bye to Wrigley for good. It’s come to this: Should I keep ’em one more year, or bail now?

Keep tickets: Cubs fans are the best fans in the world, and they root for their team rain or shine, win or lose.
Bail now: Except for that tatted-up ’roid rager who nearly kicked your ass for spilling a milliliter of beer on his drunky girlfriend. He was a dick.

Keep: You’ve given this team 30 years of your life, and you’ve had some really great times at Wrigley Field.
Bail: And it has repaid you with agony, incompetence and nearly three seasons of Neifi Perez (now traded, thank baby Jesus) at shortstop.

Keep: Where else can you be surrounded by so many hotties clutching plastic cups of beer and wearing tiny halter tops?
Bail: My friend, it’s time to admit it: those hotties stopped looking your way a lonnnnng time ago.

Keep: What are you going to do? You wouldn’t sell your soul and become a Sox fan, would you?
Bail: I’d rather go for a leisurely swim in a pool of battery acid than root for the South Siders. But hey, Milwaukee’s not that far away.

Keep: Think about it: The sun? The camaraderie? The seventh-inning stretch? The games can really be fun.
Bail: Fun, like when the Cubs lost on May 28 because Aramis Ramirez botched an pop fly that bounced off his head? Yeah, real fucking fun.

Keep: An ice-cold Old Style in the bleachers? Nowhere in the world does a beer taste better.
Bail: Have you seen your gut lately, bro? Might want to bypass the brew for a little bit.

Keep: Forget Charlie Trotter’s: A Wrigley hot dog with mustard and onions is culinary perfection.
Bail: You’re going to keep paying $35 a game so you can eat a hot dog? What are you, 12?

Keep: Wrigley Field is a cathedral, a shrine.
Bail: And those foul-ass trough urinals? What part of the church are those?

Keep: But the tradition! The old-timey scoreboard! The ivy!
Bail: You know the most undeniable tradition the Cubs offer? L-O-S-I-N-G.

Keep: The Red Sox won in 2004, the White Sox did it last year. Think of how sweet it will be when the Cubs win it all.
Bail: When the Cubs win it all? Dude, come on. Seriously.

Conclusion I’ll stay a fan for now, but if another ball bounces off Ramirez’s head—Milwaukee, here I come.