Pleased to meat me

Photograph by Donna Rickles

The numbers are intimidating: 30 ounces of meat (three discus-size burger patties) on a sourdough bun for $14.99. If I ate this mountain of meat in less than ten minutes, I’d get the meal free; plus I’d score a T-shirt, and my bloated face would be posted on the Wall of Shame. But until you see this glistening mound in the flesh, you can’t appreciate the difficulty of Pete’s Challenge.

Thankfully, our waitress at west suburban Pete & Johnny’s (2901 Ogden Ave, Lisle; 630-848-1900) informed us the lettuce and fixins—anything with health value—were not required eating (gee, thanks!).

Ready…begin! I initially attacked the burger head-on, but that just made it angry. Burying my face in its side got me nowhere, as few humans outside the porn industry can unlock their jaw enough to bite into this tremendous stack.

Switching gears, I removed two patties and tore the bun apart. My strategy: Enjoy a semi-normal–size burger first, get the bread down and then demolish the rest.

That’s when I learned an important lesson: Don’t order a nearly two-pound burger medium-rare. The meat developed a congealed texture three quarters through the first patty. That’s also when my meat sweats kicked in. The timer was at six minutes and I was in trouble. I also think I felt some meat up my nose.

After four more minutes of crazed chewing, the buzzer sounded and our waitress returned. Looking down on my pathetic showing (one burger eaten, most of the bun, a few nibbles of a second burger), her sigh of pity—“Awww!”—said it all.

You may have won this round, burger. But I’ll be back…as soon as I’m out of the bathroom.