Clear and present danger

X-rated Xmas
“A few years ago my wife received some ‘sexy’ lingerie from her much elder aunt for Christmas. It was a few sizes too big, and a mess of white satin and lace; plus it was from Wal-Mart. It was opened in front of her entire extended family, including both grandmas. Her aunt then commented, “Don’t you go gettin’ pregnant in that now.” Worst of all, we’re pretty sure that this was a regift.”—Mike, designer, Logan Square
Lesson learned Unless it’s for your sweetie (and even then, open it in private), no one should give anyone racy skivvies.  

You muff be kidding
“I had been working with a patient who was having really bad problems with her vision and everybody on staff worked really, really hard to make her happy. As a thank you, she presented everybody with these nice silver pins, but for some reason she gave me earmuffs with these feathers dangling off of them. It was really girly.”—Miguel, optician, Niles
Lesson learned If you’re going to give a guy a gift like earmuffs, which is already teetering on the masculine-feminine divide, keep all additional girliness (i.e. feathers) to a minimum.

Goodfella
“At the end of my first semester teaching at a public high school, a student approached me at the end of class and asked what kind of car I drove. I asked him why he wanted to know. He said he could offer my car a ‘certain amount of protection’ by placing it on the ‘do not touch’ list with the local gangs.”—Kevin, teacher, Humboldt Park
Lesson learned It’s too bad this prepubescent Tony Soprano doesn’t have an “in” with the jerks who tow our cars. Now that would be a gift. But seriously, when it comes to the man controlling your grades, keep the gift legit. Ever heard of an apple?

Booze blunder
“I was grateful for the opportunity to find seasonal work, and to show my appreciation I bought my new boss, as well as our regional manager, a gift card to Binny’s Beverage Depot. My boss was happy, but my regional manager wondered what he would be able to do with a gift card to a liquor store, seeing as he was a member of AA.”—Jill, retail cashier, Forest Park
Lesson learned While we think any form of vice makes an excellent gift, we recommend against it when it comes to buying for a complete stranger (who is also your employer).

The thong answer
“Two lady tenants once gave me an itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny orange bikini. I was already in my forties at the time. It was very inappropriate.”—Ann, landlady, O’Hare Corridor
Lesson learned Demi Moore still looks fabulous in a bikini, but who wants swimwear in December? At this time of year, a nice nubby wool scarf is a safer bet.

O brother, who art thou?
“My sister begins her holiday shopping around summertime, snatching season-end clearance items and free promotional merch. Last year, I received a calculator and a laptop bag (I don’t own a laptop) with the First Star logo emblazoned on them. I found out later that this was her bank. The gifts were immediately thrown away on Christmas Day.”—John, arts administrator, Wicker Park
Lesson learned Either this cheapie has never met her next of kin or clearly holds him in contempt. All we have to say to this twisted sister is that the gift certificate was invented for people like you.

Coat of harms
“Last year, my mom asked me if I’d like a leather jacket for Christmas. Imagine my trauma that fateful morning when under the tree I found a calf-length, double-breasted, imitation leather jacket complete with tie-around waistband from a Fingerhut catalog.”—Bill, operations manager, Naperville
Lesson learned Take a tip from our mom, who asks us to pick out any gift we want and have it held until she dials the store with a credit card number. She wins the adoration of her children while saving herself a world of embarrassment.