Barrel of gaffes

THE EL

Want to Say, “Excuse me, miss, I just wanted to say how beautiful your boy is. What’s his name? Oh, lovely. Anyway, listen, could you do me a solid and get him to—what’s the phrase?—calm the fuck down?”

Should Andy Kissko, whose vitriolic piece on the Rivalfish blog (rivalfish.com) “A Manifesto: Keeping It Real on the CTA” instructs passengers on everything from “bus fare preparedness” to “iPod usage,” says losing your cool will get you nowhere and will probably alienate you from the rest of the passengers. “[Pretend to] mind your own business,” he says, “but really judge the kid harshly. Tell your neighbor something really rude about the kid.” His rationale is that the communal disapproval should signal the parent to do something. Fair enough, but speaking from our years of therapy, passive-aggressive moves rarely work. 

Want to Pretend to read for the remainder of your trip, all the while thinking about her breast, your hand and how the two of you shared a moment.

Should “There are accidental [breast grazings]?” Kissko jokes. “Hmm…just say, ‘Excuse me,’ and act like you didn’t know that it was a boob. Say, ‘Oh, I think I touched you. I’m sorry.’ ” Just make sure you don’t stare at her breasts afterward.

STREET

Want to If this were outside, say, Hi-Tops in Wrigleyville, you’d leave the scene unfazed and, most likely, with a cheerful spring in your step (there’s nothing more satisfying than watching muscle-bound Neanderthals do your dirty work for you). This beat-down, on the other hand, looks like it’s getting pretty brutal, but you’re not a fighter and just want to keep on walking.

Should Jeff Herbert, a case manager at local nonprofit Center for Conflict Resolution (ccrchicago.org), makes his living mediating. When people have a seedy landlord or are being harassed, they call him. “If [one of them] was somebody who clearly wasn’t able to defend themselves, just try to separate [them, but] not jump in as far as throwing punches or anything…then see what [you] could do to help,” he says. But this is a toughie, since brawlers aren’t often the most levelheaded folks. Try to talk them down, but if it looks like you’re going to become part of the punchfest, get out of there; you can still leave with a clear conscience.

Want to Look the other way and keep walking.

Should “You don’t want to give somebody money, since you’re afraid it will fuel their addiction,” says the Rev. Glenn Chalmers, executive director of Cathedral Shelter of Chicago (cathedralshelter.org), which has been providing food, shelter and counseling to the homeless since 1915, and now specializes in substance-abuse recovery. “On the other hand, you don’t know the individual, so it could make a difference in terms of them eating for the day or not.” He gets this question a lot and always responds, “A proactive way [to deal with panhandling] is to support local efforts—whether it’s financial support or volunteering.” So even if you do look the other way, you know you’re helping out.