Barrel of gaffes

FAMILY

Want to Ask him how the Klan meetings are going and if they’re looking for new members.

Should Erin Johnston, a licensed clinical social worker who’s been practicing psychotherapy for 13 years (howyoufeel.net), suggests planning an attack and sticking with it. “Address it without creating a huge argument because you’re not gonna get your point across that way.” Instead of alienating said uncle, Johnston recommends this: “When the joke is said, take a deep breath and say something along the lines of, ‘I don’t think that’s funny, I don’t think that’s where our conversation should go.’ Before anyone gets to jump in and start defending or start arguing about it, go ahead and change the subject.”

Want to Lie and say you couldn’t be happier. Then down lots of booze. 

Should This is one of the glorious instances where what you want to do and should do are in sync. Again, plan a response beforehand and change the subject ASAP. “There’s no reason why you have to be honest with somebody just because they ask for the information,” Johnston says. “You need to protect yourself first and your own ability to function in the gathering. If it’s not actually impacting their life, it’s okay to not tell them. Then have a follow-up question to take control of the conversation and divert it somewhere else.” But make sure your conversation subject doesn’t fall flat: “It needs to be more than about the weather because that’s kind of a dead end,” she says.

RESTAURANT

Want to Send them back and ask whether there’s PBR on tap.

Should Go along with that gut feeling (sans the PBR order). Emmanuel Nony, owner of West Loop hot spot Sepia (123 N Jefferson St, 312-441-1920), says it’s fine for a customer to send back a glass “if it’s not touched and they realize it was not the right thing they ordered, or if the price was not properly given to them [by the waiter].” Still, it’s a good idea to know how expensive a wine is before you order it, if only to save you and your date some embarrassment. “Say the guest says, ‘I love second-grown Bordeaux.’ Well, Bordeaux are very expensive wines, so you would not [get one] at $8 a glass.”

Want to Ask if you could try something else.

Should For Nony, the customer is always right—that is, until that customer starts acting like an ass. When he was working in a New York restaurant, for instance, a couple would take a bite of food and return their dishes for new ones every time they dined there. Eventually, he felt taken advantage of and had to put his foot down. But for people who sincerely goofed on their order, he’s more than happy to replace it with another dish, for free. If, say, the waiter didn’t explain that Sepia’s veal breast is a particularly fatty dish, and the customer can’t stand fatty meats, sending it back is no biggie. “On the other hand,” he notes, “they can’t go to Sepia and send anything back just because Time Out says so.” Please, readers, don’t make us the asses.

MOVIE

Want to Groan louder and louder until they notice you. If that doesn’t work, start answering their questions.

Should The Gene Siskel Film Center doesn’t seem like a theater that would have this kind of trouble—what with its fantastic lineup of retrospectives, indies and foreign cinema—but house manager Jim Dempsey has plenty of nuggets that prove otherwise. There’s the one about a father who read a foreign film’s subtitles aloud to his son—he was attacked and punched in the face by a patron when the lights came up. And there’s another about a regular with Tourette’s syndrome who would make uncontrollable beeping noises throughout the movie. The thing to remember is that management is on your side, and you won’t look nitpicky if you make a complaint about a loud talker. “I would say that you would turn and ask [the chatty old ladies] to refrain from talking, and if they continue, go get a manager,” Dempsey says. And here’s what not to do, lest you risk getting your lights knocked out: “There’s one guy who comes in all the time,” Dempsey says. “Someone will be talking…He’ll get up and he’ll come sit next to them and he’ll be like, ‘Oh, is this the talking section? Excellent. You know, I was born in Kansas City…’ ”

Want to Find a seat with a coat on it and say, “Excuse me,” while handing the coat to its owner like it’s the most natural interaction in the world.

Should “I’ve actually noticed that scenario and gone in and asked people to move coats, scooch down, because there are couples coming in [who want seats together],” Dempsey says. It’s completely appropriate to ask, he says, “but you also have to realize that if someone says, ‘No, I don’t want to move,’ you gotta be okay with it.