Rules of the rude

Photo: Nicole Radja

Unplug yourself
Unless you’re a doctor on call, turn off your cell phone at dinner. “When your phone rings, you’re telling the people you’re with that they’re not important to you,” says Patricia O’Brien, owner of the Manners, Please etiquette school in Skokie (7414 Lincoln Ave, 847-951-6062, manners-please.com). Ditto for texting. All of you CrackBerriers out there will be relieved to hear there is an exception: If you’re expecting a truly urgent call, tell the folks you’re out with that you may have to excuse yourself for a few minutes.

Table manners
It’s easy to be a wallflower when you’re at a wedding without a plus one. But introducing yourself to everyone you’re seated with isn’t just polite—it’s smart. “Maybe you’re trying to switch jobs,” O’Brien says. “You’d kick yourself if the boss at the company you want to work for sat across from you all night.” To ensure you’re plenty social, try to chat up at least one different person during each course of the meal.

Photo: Nicole Radja

Turn down the volume
You know how parents tell their kids to use their inside voices? Someone needs to inform the office loudmouth to use her cubicle voice. “When you’re on the phone, [you] don’t realize how much the voice carries,” O’Brien says. “The phone isn’t something you need to shout into.” She recommends gently asking your coworker, “Do you realize how loudly you’re talking on the phone?” That way you’re asking a question, not being accusatory. Try it at work tomorrow—we dare you.

Nuptial know-how
While you’re poring over fondue sets on the Crate and Barrel registry site, use O’Brien’s wedding gift rule of thumb: Spend about how much it will cost the bride and groom to serve you dinner. That’s easily a whopping $100 per person these days, but if that sounds too steep, you can’t make it to the wedding, or you’re not BFFs with the newlyweds, pick something in your budget (chopsticks set, anyone?). Once all of the wrapping paper has settled, the newlyweds are more apt to remember the thoughtful gesture than calculate how much you spent.

Clean getaway
You’re at party and are ready to make for the exit, but you don’t want to seem rude by leaving too early. Instead of slithering out the back door, find your host and say good-bye, O’Brien recommends. Keep it simple: “I’ve had such a great time, but I really have to go now. Thank you so much for including me.” Then leave. The worst thing you can do is make excuses (ahem, lie) because you’re bound to be caught.

Photo: Nicole Radja

Primp privately
There are lots of gross things people do on the El; eating fast food and nose picking come to mind. But the worst offender by far? Clipping one’s nails. Ewww. “Never primp in public—always do it in the bathroom,” O’Brien says. “It’s not sanitary.” She’s referring to hair brushing, lipgloss touch-ups and grooming chores of a similar ilk, but you can bet declawing counts, too.

Outta the way
Not in a rush? Lucky you, but please stand all the way to the right on the escalator or one of those moving walkways at the airport. Move to your left and pass the slowpokes only if you’re in a hurry and need an express lane. “It prevents traffic jams,” O’Brien explains, just like on the highway.