If you have to go…

GRAVE REVIEWS Your corpse will decompose in luxury at Graceland Cemetery.

If you get caught shoplifting at Barneys
Be grateful—getting arrested in the 18th district means you’ll be booked at the North Chicago Station (1160 N Larrabee St, 312-742-5870) and follow in the footsteps of all-star arrestees like Shia LaBeouf.

If you have to sell Grandma’s ring to make rent
Trek to Portage Park and pop in at Nick and Tessie’s Jewelry (3148 W Irving Park Rd, 773-583-7873). This pawnshop deals exclusively in baubles and has a rep for its friendly staff and relative cleanliness.

If someone cuts you for your Jordans
Demand to be taken to the emergency room at Northwestern Memorial Hospital (251 E Erie St, 312-926-5188). Whether you have a massive head wound or a sprained ankle, recovery awaits at one of the best trauma wards in the city. It features separate departments for major and minor injuries, real leather chairs and minimal smelliness.

If the U.S. is threatened by an army of evil robots
Gather supplies with which to build an army of opposing robots at American Science & Surplus (5316 N Milwaukee Ave, 773-763-0313).

If you croak
We hope you bought a plot at Graceland Cemetery (4001 N Clark St, 773-525-1105). You’ll never be lonely at Chicago’s most famous graveyard—at least four tours regularly pass through the grounds, and it’s the final resting place of notables like Marshall Field, George Pullman and Louis Sullivan. Plus, it’s so close to Wrigley you could hear the crowds cheer…if you weren’t dead.