For richer or much, much poorer

Ask a therapist to name the one issue that turns otherwise happy couples into teeth-baring pit bulls, and she’ll likely have a one-word answer: money. Now more than ever, you can bet people are engaging in some tense, less-than-sexy pillow talk.

So before your relationship devolves into something akin to Itchy and Scratchy’s, take these tips from Andy Smith, Ph.D. and therapist at the Center for Personal Development (444 N Michigan Ave, 312-755-7000), to get the two of you, if not the economy, on solid ground.

Saver versus spender
Billy*, a 30-year-old Ukrainian Village resident, is in a happy three-year relationship with his live-in girlfriend, Liz, 29, but they have a fundamental difference when it comes to money. The fear of losing his consulting gig drives Billy to save, but Liz lives in the moment. “I’d rather blow it on a trip and have a life experience than put it away for a rainy day,” she says of the few extra dollars she earns as a social worker. One argument arose when Liz owed Billy her share of the rent but bought new clothes before paying him back. “I buy high-end things, too,” Billy says, “but I earn more money than she does.”

Smith says it’s common for couples to avoid discussing money early in their relationship, then find themselves arguing later on. Smith points out that money can be a power tool. If there’s an imbalance (like a partner who earns more), you can try to equalize things. “Sort out early how much you’ll put into the bills. Do a budget together and base it on proportion,” Smith says. For example, each can put 20 percent of his or her income toward rent, so the higher-earning partner is chipping in more.

The blame game
Thirtysomethings Sarah and Matt were living comfortably in the Near West suburbs with their 17-month-old baby when he recently came home with the news that he had to take a 10 percent pay cut to keep his insurance-firm job. Sarah admits she barely spoke to him the next day. “I was being selfish and didn’t want to give up anything,” she says. “She was not looking at the big picture,” Matt says. “The economy is very tough and good jobs that pay as well as mine are very hard to come by. What did she want me to do? Quit?”

Smith warns not to go on the defensive, even when you feel your partner is being unreasonable. “Show your spouse you hear them by restating what they said, ‘I’m hearing that you’re really upset with me,’ then ask an open-ended question like, ‘What can I do to help?’ ” This requires your partner to engage with you and softens him or her. If you have to nitpick the budget, first determine how much spending needs to be cut. Next, Smith encourages each partner to make a list of things he or she can do without, then compare. “Chances are, something will overlap between the lists.”

The stress case
Brian, 28, quit a high-stress banking job to pursue an MBA at Northwestern. His wife, Keri, 27, earns a modest salary and is expecting their first child in the spring. To avoid student loans, they’ve been financing Brian’s degree by liquidating stock, but their investments have lost significant value lately. Brian’s worried that upon graduation, job prospects will be grim and he’ll be saddled with debt. “He’s more scared and watching things on a day-to-day basis, where I kind of just let things ride,” Keri says.

Smith says Brian’s behavior is “forecasting,” which is futile. “He can’t control what’s going to happen in the market or what job prospects will pop up. He can control his performance in the program and earn glowing letters of recommendation.”

When money matters become overwhelming, remember it wasn’t your financial situation that brought the two of you together—it was something else. “You can do some cheap things and still get to enjoy that person without overtaxing yourselves.”

*Names changed to protect privacy

NEXT>>