The truth about Chicago River fish

The EPA’s 2008 water-quality report warns not to eat any Chicago River fish longer than 12 inches. Turns out our local seafood contains some nasty stuff, including:

SILVER Good news: It’s not carcinogenic. That’s why chefs can throw silver foil on a sundae. Bad news: Too much of it gives you a deep blue Smurf’s tan.

MERCURY One bad heavy metal—and we don’t mean Megadeth. Your skin will itch, peel off and turn red. But, hey, together with the silver, you won’t need body paint for Cubs games.

PHOSPHORUS The flammable element from fertilizer and fireworks won’t give you tumors. It just…kills your kidneys. Heavy doses cause the eerie “smoking stool syndrome.” Use your imagination.

FECAL COLIFORM Surprisingly, ingesting human bacteria won’t hurt you. But its presence does indicate there are worse shitborne pathogens in the water. Maybe that’s why they call ’em crappies.

POLYCHLORINATED BIPHENYLS Liver damage, skin lesions, cancer—PCBs are WMDs to your insides. You might as well fry up your filet in WD-40.

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