Real estate jargon redefined

Appraisal (“uh-PRAY-suhl”) A professional analysis that estimates property value. Typically conducted by a guy named Vinny who’s the cousin of the mortgage broker who valued that two-bedroom ranch in Blue Island for $900,000 in the first place.

Broker (“BRO-ker”) An individual or firm that acts as an agent between a homeowner and a prospective buyer. Also an adjective describing one’s financial state after purchasing a home.

Credit score (“KRED-it SKOR”) A numerical value that establishes a borrower’s credit worthiness. Based on a statistical evaluation, a mood ring and the results of his or her last game of flip cup.

Curb appeal (“KERB uh-PEEL”) The misguided belief that landscaping can blind the buyer to a litany of horrifically expensive repairs necessary to resuscitate a neglected property.

Fixer-upper (“FICKS-ur UP-ur”) You’re fucked.

Home inspection (“HOM in-SPEK-shin”) A determination of the quality of a property, made by an inspector who invariably fails to note the leaky roof, shoddy plumbing, slight gas smell and presence of a loser first-floor neighbor who lets his dog shit in the courtyard.

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