We sheet you not

T-shirt
If you went away to college in the late ’90s, you probably used these supersoft sheets on your dorm-room bed.
If they’re on her bed
She’s all about being comfortable. Expect a lot of cuddling.
If they’re on his bed
This lazy guy’s had these sheets since freshman year. Enter at your own risk.
Sexy factor
Earlier this year, American Apparel came out with a line of bedding made from the same material as its shirts. Unless the model comes with the sheets, we say they’re way more comfy than sexy.

Flannel
Chilly temps have been known to inspire the purchase of warm sheets made from a blend of cotton and wool.
If they’re on her bed
She’s not interested in making much of an impression. Forget lingerie; her favorite thing to put on before bed is zit cream.
If they’re on his bed
The first time you see these sheets, it’s okay. But if they stay on his bed, that means they’re doing a fine job of keeping him warm and an extra body just might overheat things.
Sexy factor
We’ve heard of cases of rug burn from them. Not sexy.

High-thread count
Thread counts go up to 1,000, but experts say 300 is an excellent thread count—and it’ll still cost you the big bucks.
If they’re on her bed
She knows what she wants and she’s not afraid to go after it.
If they’re on his bed
He knows what he wants and he’s not afraid to go after it.
Sexy factor
Luxe, crisp and confident, these sheets are begging for you to do more than just sleep on them.

Satin
Silky and shiny, these sheets are luxurious and totally ’80s at the same time.
If they’re on her bed
She’s a bit of a prima donna who likes the finer things in life. She’ll probably be selfish in bed.
If they’re on his bed
He’s gay.
Sexy factor
Don’t let the allure of luxury fool you: These slippery sheets could work against your moves and (as comic Jay Mohr once put it) you’ll end up sliding across the bed as if you’re on an air-hockey table.

Patterned
Cartoon characters on an adult’s bed are bad; floral prints are questionable; simple designs are okay.
If they’re on her bed
That old Rainbow Brite pillow means she has daddy issues; floral prints mean she’s a girly-girl and probably keeps bridal magazines under her bed. You’ve been warned.
If they’re on his bed
Robots and monster trucks are the first signal this dude’s mom still does his laundry; floral prints suggest his girlfriend just moved out and he’s too lazy to get new sheets.
Sexy factor
Keep the pattern simple. After all, you want to be the sexiest thing on your bed.

• More Home & Living articles