Heard on the street

I hope I get Tourette’s just to punish you.

My friend’s pet rat had to have a hysterectomy.

So, when are we becoming Masons?

No wonder your mom hates you.

It’s like reverse Diff’rent Strokes.

Just shut up and heel when the time comes.

I just ate Taco Bell in my mind, and, boy, did it taste good!

It’s not pronounced melk. It’s milk, ass-fuck!

I thought Ronnie Woo Woo was Asian.

Why am I the one always laughing the hardest at my own jokes?

I want to put up wood paneling, a rock wall and a waterfall in the apartment. But then the landlord would be all like, “Security deposit, please.”

Stella needs her groove back.

Ugh, why do people even write poetry anymore?

We all want adulthood to taste like Fruity Pebbles.

Hugs feel way better when you’re on drugs.

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