Odd man out

Flavoris Flavialis

Height 1.61m (63in);
Weight 60.8kg (134lb); with clock, jewels 68kg (150lb);
Horn span 48.26cm (19in)

Description
Erratic and garish. Cheeks sometimes peppered with stubble. Eyes naturally brown, though often red. Velour, terry cloth or polyester pelt (depending on track suit [1]). Legal American tender and Burger King coupons sewn into fabric in case of emergency. Undergarments yellow, orange, purple or nonexistent. Gold teeth [2] carry species name and pass as legal identification in Las Vegas.

Similar species
Sen Dog of Cypress Hill, the Phillie Phanatic, the Hamburglar

Distribution
The boroughs of New York City (primarily Queens and the basement of VH1 corporate headquarters) and Hollywood [3], California, on the soundstage of a Fresh Prince knockoff.

Status and habitat
Due to overexposure, this species is classified as endangered. It favors cool, moist places, such as motor-court motel rooms, leaky fire hydrants [4], the bottoms of empty swimming pools and the bosoms of Amazonian action-film actresses. Enjoys sleeping on thrones and inflatable rafts.

Habits
Mainly nocturnal, but compensates with tacky sunglasses during the day. Wears multiple timepieces. Clock around neck [5] tracks 15 minutes of fame. Wristwatches [6] separately timed to remind it when to yell, “FLAVOR FLAAAAV!” When two alarms ring simultaneously, brain function shuts down and it must nap. Scientists puzzled by Viking helmet [7]. Hypotheses suggest the headgear allows access to amusement-park rides or is filled with delicious Dr Pepper, suckled from the tips.

Language
Aside from its mating call of “YEEEEEEeeeah, boyeeeEEE,” the clever tongue is known for coining phrases like “cold lampin’,” “shinavative,” “brainknowledgeably wizzy,” “took-look-yuk-duk-wuk” and “super-calafraga-hestik-alagoothki,” all of which are heard on It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back alone.

Click here to read our interview with Public Enemy producer Hank Shocklee.