Front-row cheats

Manufacture a crowd-repelling one-day-only affliction by purchasing blood capsules at Chicago Costumes (1120 W Fullerton Ave, 773-528-1264; $2.50). When no one is looking, burst one inside your nose and lurch hooting and hollering toward the stage.

Have a very understanding girlfriend? Get a wheelchair cheap on eBay (we found some for as low as $30) and have your lady push you through the crowd. There are no designated wheelchair areas, though, so you’ll just have to rely on the crowds to be considerate.

If you’re going for looks of pity rather than horror, try hobbling pathetically toward the stage on crutches bought at AB4U Medical Supply Store (5325 N Sheridan Rd, 773-271-5325; $40).

Play on people’s vanity and pretend to be the host of a radio show. Get basic recording gear at Radio Shack (locations citywide; $40), and “interview” concertgoers as you push your way forward.

A pregnancy pouch can be your passport to the front row. Chicago Costumes rents fake bellies ($15 without the oversized boobs), but be prepared for the “You’ll be a mother soon” lecture and contemptuous looks from fellow concertgoers if you so much as try to take a sip of your overpriced Bud Light.