I love the aughties

Location: Relax Lounge 1450 W Chicago Ave; Makeup: Rommy Najor with MAC; Models: Tony Bryan/Chosen, Aisha/Elite; Clothing: Model’s own

1 iPod The iPod, long replaced by a Wi-Fi computer chip inserted directly into the ear, will be displayed on the bar. DJs will crowd around it and tell everybody who’ll listen that “the sound wasn’t as good back then, but it had character, man.”

2 Mixologist These bartenders will dress in 2000s drinkslinger gear (which, yes, looks just like 1930s drinkslinger gear) and eschew the current term alcohol architect for the historically correct mixologist.

3 Digital cameras Vintage digital cameras will be available at the bar, allowing patrons to take and upload photos to their food blogs the slow way (which, of course, is all part of the current “slowblog” movement).

4 Craft beer These aren’t just vintage bottles of Piece and Three Floyds. The beer inside the bottles is vintage, too. That’s right: In the future, 50-year-old beer is hot. And it costs $80 a bottle.

5 Infused liquors Jars of infused liquors on the bar emulate the infusions of yore. They’re not as posh as the current fad of herbs and fruits that have been genetically modified to grow with vodka coursing through them, but they’ll do.

6 Red Bull These Red Bull cans are just for show—the sickly sweet energy drink was outlawed in 2029 when it was linked to babies being born with chest hair.

7 Seasonal cocktails In the future, the concept of seasonality will have run its natural course—instead of focusing on the foods of the season, people will only eat foods in their most prime minutes. Here, of course, they’ll do things the old way, with special cocktails available for a week or so at a time. Nevertheless, patrons will be dubious. “Rosemary?” a customer might say. “Isn’t that, like, so five minutes ago?”

8 Intensely filtered ice True to the 2000s, this bar will have ten kinds of ice on hand, all made from quintuple-filtered, thrice-distilled spring water, prompting 2050s patrons to ask: “Who the fuck cares about ice?” The answer from the mixologist: “People hopped up on Red Bull, I guess.”

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