In & Out

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Q A close friend of mine is a gay male in his forties. Several years ago he met and briefly dated a not-too-bright but conniving guy (significantly younger) who was down on his luck. Although my friend is a great guy and has had several normal, long-term relationships before he met this guy, he threw himself into this relationship with his “trophy husband,” financed his apartment, paid his numerous bills, wrote his papers for school, and even purchased all his boyfriend’s holiday gifts for his own friends and family—all the while keeping everything a secret so his boyfriend could keep his big ego intact. The boyfriend had so many issues about being gay that there was very little intimacy in the relationship—a complaint my friend voiced often—and after the new boyfriend was back on his feet with new clothes, the new apartment, and new furniture (courtesy of my friend), he dismissed my friend and was off playing the field and having sex with other young guys. Despite this terrible treatment, my friend still tries to stay close, and still tries to buy the affection of this scam artist. The opportunistic boyfriend is happy to use him for free meals, gifts, vacations—we’re talking tens of thousands of dollars over the years. My friend is doing okay financially but it has caused him some hardship (including mortgaging his own home). My friend also hasn’t had a real relationship since then; he only has one-night stands while on business trips. The one time my friend moved on and was getting into a serious relationship, the old boyfriend came, swooped in and convinced my friend to end it. My friends and I all want him to be happy, but he continues to be in denial about the situation, defending the former boyfriend’s behavior. How do we help our friend move on and cut the financial and emotional cords once and for all?
A You can’t make your friend have relationships the way that you think he should—you know, the unpaid-for kind where both partners are super into each other and are sexually and romantically intimate, and neither one expects the other to finance their entire life. It sounds like a common trophy wife/husband situation—older wealthy guy finds a younger partner who looks great, loves gifts, needs money, doles out only occasional sex (because the trophy partner isn’t actually attracted to or desirous of the older partner), and then skips off and has sex with people of equal hotness. For trophy girls, it’s another day, another Manolo in the Viagra Triangle. But trophy guys work hard for their money, too (sucking someone off who doesn’t arouse you isn’t exactly easy work). It is hard to see a friend being used but I can’t imagine he stayed in the relationship unless he got something out of it that he wanted or needed—even if at a psychologically unhealthy level. People’s needs are what they are. If your friend doesn’t identify his situation as problematic, then I doubt he will try to change soon. If he does, I would recommend counseling (aamft.org) for support. Until then, consider the roles that you and your friends play in his drama. Stop paying attention to stories involving the gold digger or start paying attention to or praising him in the moments when your friend connects with people in healthier ways. Or nonchalantly point out characteristics in people that make them good friends or partners—saying that you really like one of his friends because he seems genuinely interested in others as human beings, or seems respectful because he trades off who pays for dinner. Highlighting the good in others, and the good in him, may help him focus on those kinds of qualities and eventually see that the opportunistic boyfriend doesn’t have many of them.

Q Help me, Debby! I have a problem that I can’t discuss with my friends and definitely can’t talk to my family about. Basically, my boyfriend is a total pothead. I smoke, too, but I smoke a lot less often than he does. My friends either don’t smoke or they are social smokers, like me. It was one thing to get used to the fact that he lights up every single day (most mornings he wakes and bakes, and most nights he and his friends go through a bowl). What I am having problems with is that sometimes when he is really stoned, the sex sucks. It’s like having sex with a zombie. It is the most unromantic and—for me—unorgasmic sex. He fumbles around, I don’t know how else to explain it. It is more awkward and haphazard and seems to be about him getting off more than it is about me or about us. I have said this to him and he apologized, but his apologies don’t prevent him getting superstoned again two weeks later. What can we do so that he can have his pot and I can have decent sex?
A If you’re planning to keep this boyfriend around, it’s time for a talk. If you are okay with his daily stoner behavior and it is rare that he gets superstoned, then consider letting him know that it’s not personal but that he should expect that you might decline sex either at the outset (when he approaches sex) or even midway during the act if he veers toward zombielike behavior. And maybe keep a vibrator handy in case stopping midway leaves you hanging and orgasmless. You also might look for patterns: If he tends to get stoned to oblivion on Friday nights, for example, you might cash in with morning sex before he cashes out.

Q What do you think of the Sen. Craig bathroom sex scandal? How can he say he is not gay when he was trying to have sex with a man in a bathroom stall and when there are other reports that he has had sex with men in other places over a number of years?
ATo me, Sen. Larry Craig’s “I am not gay; I never have been gay” statement was reminiscent of when the subject of one of my nerd-girl crushes, Bill Clinton, said he did not have sex with Monica Lewinsky. Not because either is a lie, but because both are great examples of the ambiguous way we talk about sex—or rather, what we don’t talk about when we talk about sex. I believe Craig when he says that he is not gay, just as I believe anyone else when he or she tells me about his or her sexual orientation. That doesn’t, however, necessarily mean that Craig wasn’t foot-tapping sexual signals in a men’s bathroom. Research has long shown that many men who cruise in public spaces (usually watching each other masturbate, masturbating each other, or giving a blow job) are often married, have girlfriends or otherwise identify as heterosexual. It is not only gay-identified men who hang out and have sex in cruisy spots. The senator’s case, to me, is less about sexual orientation and more about our societal tendency to place people into rigid categories of sexuality—perhaps especially men (we seem to be more fluid and accepting of women’s sexuality, encouraging them to make out with other women at parties and yet still calling them straight).

Send letters to Debby Herbenick, Ph.D., c/o Time Out Chicago, 247 South State Street, 17th floor, Chicago, IL 60604, or send e-mail to inandout@timeoutchicago.com.