In & Out

Q My friends and I are having a debate. Is teabagging something the receiver does to the giver, or the giver does to the receiver? How does the verb work? I argue that the woman is obviously teabagging the man, and the man is being teabagged. My friends say it’s the other way around, that the man is teabagging the woman, that he’s the one engaged in the giving, not receiving. This is a transitive verb, right? “She teabagged him like there was no tomorrow” sounds correct. “I teabagged her for all I was worth” doesn’t quite capture it. Who’s right?

A Teabagging, for those new to the term, usually refers to a man squatting over his partner’s face and dropping his testicles into his partner’s mouth. Using your example of a straight couple, I typically hear about teabagging with the guy as the teabagger and his lady friend as the teabagee. However, I can see the term being used either way as both partners are giving (his testicles, her mouth) and both are receiving (she’s getting his testicles, he’s hopefully getting off). However, this is probably another example of the malecentric way that we tend to look at sex—as men fucking/banging/taking/tapping and women as the more passive receivers. Artist Judy Chicago created a series of prints titled “Butterfly Vagina Erotica” in which she turned this idea on its head, positioning the vagina as the active one in its approach, descent and contact in relation to the penis. I think that conceptions of power also may play into teabagging verbiage. I’m not trying to be PC here, but I’d probably say “and then we teabagged” if I were saying anything about it at all. But if a guy is squatted on his partner’s face in a “now I’m gonna sit on your face” way, then I would definitely say “and then he teabagged her.” Similarly if she grabbed his hips, positioned him over her face, unzipped his pants and maneuvered those testicles into her mouth, then that would probably qualify as her teabagging him. Just as one can fuck or be fucked, it seems that one can teabag or be teabagged.

Q I was dating a guy for a long time and we both kept blogs. I used my blog to talk about the things that I did or that I was feeling, and although I talked about our relationship, I never talked about our sex life. I was just trying to be emotionally naked and self-revealing and let the world learn a little bit about me. My boyfriend talked mostly about the Bears and his work, but then he crossed the line and alluded to the difficulties of giving me an orgasm in a few of his posts. Even though it is mostly just our friends who read the site, some of their friends read it, too. Now they know that I have a hard time having an orgasm. That is my personal issue and I did not want it broadcast to our friends. We had other problems, too, and as a result of everything we broke up. I am hurt that he did this to me and even more hurt now that he is seeing someone else and has posted pictures of her and posts about dates that they have gone on. I feel like he is using his blog against me, which only makes me use my blog against him. I am frustrated by this whole thing and that other guys may not want to date me now because they can find out from the blog that it was “so much work” to try and make me come.

A Oh, the joys of blogging. It can feel comforting to use something so seemingly impersonal as the computer in such incredibly personal and connecting ways. Then again, sometimes people’s good intentions go out the window and they lose sight of how to behave in kind ways. Occasionally I’ll read blog posts about some random person’s former partner that are written in detail such that even perfect strangers know who the blogger’s ex is and what the issues were. Sometimes bloggers even name their exes. People make mistakes, but when someone does it repeatedly, I ask myself whether he is truly trying to be “emotionally naked” with his readers/friends or whether he is trying to be mean (either to his ex or the ex’s new partner) or to win the attention of his ex. A good reality check: Would you think you were only being “self-revealing” if you made a flyer complaining about your ex and then taped it to all of your friends’ doors so that they and their friends could see it? No? Then don’t post mean things on each other’s Facebook walls or on your own blog. I can understand not wanting your orgasm information broadcast to your friends and family. Perhaps he never wanted your relationship details broadcast, either, and yet you did that. You both posted personal information. Now your relationship has ended. He has moved on. I suggest you do too. Even if he has posted about your orgasm issues, the fact that you are continuing to use your own blog in whatever awful ways against him is not good for your mental health, nor does it seem like a good use of your time. Not all women have orgasms, let alone during intercourse, but if you would like to learn to have an orgasm—or to have an orgasm more easily—then a better use of your time might be to read Becoming Orgasmic (Fireside, $15) and try out a few of the suggested exercises. As for your blog, consider taking a hiatus from it or posting about other topics. And as for whether guys will snub you because you have difficulty with orgasm? My guess is that’s unlikely because (a) guys like a challenge, (b) at least they know you’re not a faker and (c) some guys like to be a girl’s first orgasm, even if they can’t be her first partner. But if I were you, when you’re ready to date again, I’d focus less on guys’ orgasm issues and more on their communication issues.

Q I have struggled with premature ejaculation for most of my life. It makes me nervous to be with a woman and to know that when we finally do get into bed, I will not be able to perform long enough to give her satisfaction. I feel like it keeps me from getting as close to women as I would like. Can you help me?

A Many men—some say as many as a third—struggle with coming more quickly than they would like. Two common techniques used to help men learn ejaculatory control are the stop-start and squeeze techniques, which essentially involve stimulating yourself during masturbation until just before the point of no return (when you will come no matter what) then either backing off (for stop-start) or gently squeezing the head of your penis (for squeeze), letting your erection subside a bit, and then starting the cycle over again. This can help you to learn to focus on sensations in your penis and scrotum, which can help with refocusing during partner sex. Though some medications can be used to treat premature ejaculation (PE), a recent study suggests that a regular (daily) yoga practice may even be helpful for men with PE. Whether it is because yoga can help men to reduce anxiety (which is associated with PE) or because the specific yoga poses used in the study helped to tone muscles around the penis is up for grabs. Then again, this was one study so whether it works for anyone other than a few dozen men in New Delhi (where the study took place) is also unclear, but yoga certainly won’t hurt, and it may help.

Send letters to Debby Herbenick, Ph.D., c/o Time Out Chicago, 247 South State Street, 17th floor, Chicago, IL 60604, or send e-mail to inandout@timeoutchicago.com.