In & Out

Q I’ve been seeing a guy casually for a few months. It might be going somewhere, it might not. That relationship isn’t my issue, though. My issue is that when I was growing up, my family didn’t have a lot of money. As a result, even though I needed braces badly (I’m quite gap-toothed) my family could not afford to give them to me. Now as an adult I have a good-paying job and I would like to get my teeth fixed. I think it would help to give me more confidence at work, with my friends, smiling for pictures and probably in my relationships, too. I can deal with the downside of having braces at work and I don’t anticipate it being much of a problem as much of my work is done in my (small) office with meetings mainly over the phone. What I am most hesitant about is my pseudorelationship with this guy or potentially with any others. Aren’t braces the biggest turnoff for men? Does it not scream “can’t give head” like nothing else does? Will men go running for the hills? Is it true that braces run the risk of hurting a guy? Since you put your lips over your teeth anyway when you give head (at least that’s how I was taught), it seems like braces would not really matter and I could have a rational conversation with the pseudoboyfriend about this, thus leading him not to fear my braces. I guess that’s what I need to know: Are braces truly the blow-job killer that they seem?

A Yes, braces are potentially the enemy of penises everywhere. Although you can fold your lips over your teeth, thus making yourself look like an old person who took out her dentures, as you may have noticed from past blow-job experience, the teeth still sometimes find their way out and drag against a man’s penis. That may be fun and games when all we’re talking about are smooth teeth, but metal mouth? Eek! I don’t even have a penis and the idea pains me. I did, however, have braces growing up and I remember that a few times I would even cut the inside of my own mouth and bleed. Do you really want to risk dragging pointy braces and wires across a man’s penis? No way. Penises are fantastic. Let’s protect them. If you opt for—or require—traditional braces, you can still lick penises and do all kinds of other cool things with them using other body parts, so it’s not like a sexual relationship has to suffer. If you stick with your pseudoboyfriend, make sure to tell him about your concerns and brainstorm together about ways that you can continue to please each other during the braces period. You also might want to look into Invisalign, which is a modern form of braces that are clear and removable, more like a retainer, but for many people they can do a heck of a straightening job. You are supposed to wear them all day long, but you take them out to eat and can, of course, take them out to give blow jobs. If you don’t believe me, ask your orthodontist (bet you won’t, though, which is why you have me). I’m imagining particularly good niche marketing with a campaign like “Straighten teeth without sacrificing your sex life.” You can learn more of the basics about Invisalign, sans sex, at invisalign.com.

Q In a recent column (“In & Out,” TOC 152), a guy asked you about removing dick hair. I noticed that you mentioned tweezing, trimming, and shaving, but what about Nair and other creams? Can guys use those, too, or are they only for women’s use? I’ve been thinking about going for a smoother look around my dick and balls but the idea of taking a razor anywhere near them has prevented me from going for it. Trimming seems like a lot of effort and upkeep. Cream seems like an easier one-shot deal.

A Men and women can both use Nair and other hair-removal creams. However, both sexes need to be cautious of skin reactions. This is important on or around any body part (such as the legs or underarm), but it may feel particularly important when it comes to the genitals. After all, if you develop a skin reaction that itches, it can be socially awkward. And if you develop a skin reaction that is red or rashy, you may worry that a potential partner would think you had a sexually transmissible infection when really you just had a rash. Or you might just think it looked ugly. I know one guy who used a name-brand skin cream on his pubic hair and developed a rash that was apparently awful enough that he steered clear of sex and relationships for quite a while. Even after it cleared, he felt icky about his genitals for some time. Sad. So if you do go the cream route, follow manufacturer recommendations and try patch-testing a small, discreet area of skin to check for reactions. Otherwise, stick with other approaches such as trimming or going to a professional aesthetician at a salon for personalized advice.

Q I’m a late-thirties gay guy in need of your counsel. I have a friend who is also a colleague and is gay, too. We have never had any type of sex with one another. We hang out a lot and, since we work together, we have traveled together for business, too. He and I have gone out, met men and then gone back to our respective rooms with our tricks. On a recent trip we were out at a bar, and met a hot younger guy who looked like he came straight out of thug porn. He was selling. We ended up buying. The thing is, there was only one of him and two of us and we both wanted in. In the heat of the moment, as they say, we ended up back in his room. First my friend and the guy fucked while I watched TV. I could see and hear everything even though I tried not to outright look. Then the guy and I fucked while my friend showered and watched TV. He got an earful and eyeful, too. My issue is that even though we are friends, we are also colleagues and even though we have not had sex “with” one another, we have now had a sexual experience “sort of with” one another, which makes it feel awkward at work. He has made a couple of comments—not when anyone is around but even so, work is when I least expect to be reminded of how I “squealed like a pig” when the guy was fucking me or how the guy “could really suck cock, couldn’t he?” I know I can’t go back in time or wish him away, but how do I get him to return to workweek behavior? Right now he catches me off guard and I am mortified.

A Sometimes all people need is a little reminder about the boundaries of work. Next time he references your squealing or the other guy’s sucking, try a little “shh, not at work” or a sing-songy “doesn’t sound like work talk to me.” If that makes you feel like a schoolmarm, add a sly smile so he gets the gist that while that was a great time you guys had, you don’t want to discuss it at work. Or try that “what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” line except substitute Cleveland or wherever you were at the time. Another possibility is that the next time you’re out socially, away from work, you can talk about that encounter and then add, “Sorry if I seem weird about that at work, I just don’t like talking about it at the office.” If he’s a decent guy and has some social skills, the sex-talk-at-work should cease.

Send letters to Debby Herbenick, Ph.D., c/o Time Out Chicago, 247 South State Street, 17th floor, Chicago, IL 60604, or send e-mail to inandout@timeoutchicago.com.