In & Out with Ivanka Trump

Q After 11 years of marriage and two kids, my husband and I rarely have sex anymore. Can you recommend a toy or book that will magically reinvigorate our sex life without any effort on our part?

A The rarer something is, the more value it holds. So to maximize the opulence, luxury and dazzling grandeur in your life, make love as infrequently as possible.

Q My ultimate sexual fantasy involves a donkey, a gun, a bucket of calamari and 48 hours in Prague. I can’t afford to act it out (the legal fees alone would be a year’s salary), but telling my girlfriend would be a huge turn-on for me. The problem is we’re madly in love, and I’m terrified I’ll lose her if I open my mouth. Is there a way to share my fantasy without frightening her?

A Your problem isn’t sexual, it’s financial. Stop wasting time trying to be sensitive in bed and start making money, because being rich dispenses with all other requirements of being human. Every sexual encounter is a negotiation, and you’ve got to be as hard-nosed in the bedroom as the boardroom. Bring enough assets to the table, and you can phrase your dumb-ass fantasy any way you want.

Q Writing to you is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I’m positive I’m the only person in America with this question, but the loneliness of that has pushed me to the brink of suicide, so brace yourself for the shock of a lifetime: I’d like to fool around with my boyfriend in a public place. How can we get the thrill without getting caught?

A Why do you assume I know anything about quickies in coat closets? I am so sick of people assuming I’m just like Paris Hilton. Yes, we’re both blond and rich, but here’s how you can tell us apart: I graduated from Wharton, I’ve never starred in a porn film and I actually work. Is that so difficult?

Written by Peter Grosz, Jason A. Heidemann, Steve Heisler, Jake Malooley, Jonathan Messinger, Christopher Piatt, Hank Sartin, Frank Sennett, Katie Watson and Lauren Weinberg

Is this some kind of joke? Yes, actually. The above was part of TOC's 2008 April Fool's issue. Read more about it here.