In & Out

Q I’m an early-50s man who has recently gotten into urethral play. When I was a kid, I remember putting a small stick in there a few times, and that it felt good, but then one day it got all irritated. I didn’t do it again until a few weeks ago when I got curious one night and slipped a really thin pen into my urethra, and it felt good, and I wondered why I’d ever let one isolated irritation incident stop me all those years ago. At the same time, I wonder if I could hurt myself this way. Assuming I am going to stick something in my urethra again (and I’m pretty sure I will—I am getting hard just thinking about it now), what’s the best way to go about experimenting safely? I can’t imagine that sticks or pens are the best way to go.

A You’re correct that sticks, twigs and pens are not safe bets to put inside one’s urethra (the tube that takes urine out of the body; in men, this is the hole in the tip of the penis). I rarely get questions about urethral play, which reflects the taboos around this type of sex play, but also the fact that urethral play is a less common form of sexual behavior compared to vaginal, oral and anal play. But some men and women do engage in urethral play, and there are many documented cases of unsafe urethral play, so it’s important to learn about it before proceeding. When it comes to urethral insertion, the main concerns are increasing risk related to tearing, infection or getting something stuck in the urethra or bladder. To minimize the risk of tearing, start with small, smooth objects that are unlikely to break or snag the gentle urethra. Thermometers are not good choices, as they can break. Sticks and twigs may snag the urethra or break off. Pens often have side seams or may snag. Sounds, on the other hand, are medical devices that are smooth, unlikely to break and come in a range of sizes. As such, they are widely used for urethral play and are available for sale individually or as a set online (see medicaltoys.com) and in some local adult bookstores (such as Leather Sport at 3505 N Halsted St, 773-868-0914). They are also a good option in terms of minimizing the risk of infection, as they are easy to clean before and after use (catheters are sometimes used for urethral play, but they should be discarded after each use). A lubricant may also help to ease penetration. People vary in their preferences for silicone versus water-based lube formulas for urethral play. Water-based lubricants can dry up quickly, but silicone-based lubricants may feel too sticky. Try to avoid saliva as a lubricant, so as to minimize irritation of the urethra. Also, if you’re irritation-prone, you may want to choose a lubricant that is free of glycerin and/or propylene glycol, as these irritate some people. If you use sounds or engage in any other type of urethral play, please be gentle with yourself and do not force any instruments or objects into your urethra. Often, urethral play is easier when the penis is flaccid rather than hard, and if you become erect midplay and find the sounds or other objects difficult to remove, consider waiting until your erection subsides rather than forcing them out. If you have specific safety questions, please do check in with your health-care provider; most providers are trained in urethral insertions and have performed quite a few of their own thanks to inserting catheters and/or retrieving odd objects that get stuck in there.

Q I’ve hooked up a few times with this girl who really likes to bite my shoulder and scratch my back—full-on nail scratches—when we have sex. She also just flat out pummels me sometimes and I wind up a little beaten-down looking. I’m okay with it, because the sex is kind of hot, but what’s up with this? Why does she do that? She’s really sweet and cool in all other ways.

A One can be sweet and cool over dinner and a movie, and yet be a raging tigress (leaving the bite marks to prove it!) in bed. Anyone else reminded of Marv Albert here? We don’t know why certain people are biters and scratchers and others are not. I have had some women and men tell me that they simply get all worked up during sex, and they feel as if the energy or vigor just pours out of them. One young woman told me that, during sex, she had uncontrollable urges to hit her boyfriend, not out of anger, but just out of an intense need to release energy. Maybe something similar is going on with your partner. You’ve hooked up with her several times, and so I’d guess that you must possess at least some degree of comfort with her—perhaps you could ask her some time. Maybe after your next hook-up, as you’re cleaning your wounds, you might drop a “Wow—not that I mind, but where does that come from during sex? What’s up with the biting and the scratching that you’ve got going on?” And then boom! Just like that, you’re talking. If you remain open and interested in whatever she has to say, you might be able to get her to open up a little and explore it with you. If at any point, the cuts, scratches and beatings bother you, but you still want to hook up with her, try approaching her about it some time when you’re not already starting to make out or otherwise be sexual with each other. There are certainly other ways that you can be physical together…unless, of course, you two really do like it that way, and then bravo for finding each other.

Q My husband recently got a vibrating cock ring and I’m jealous because my job keeps me really busy these days and now I think about him using that thing when he can’t have me. I know it sounds ridiculous, but part of me kind of wishes he only had his hand so he’d want me more, rather than be satisfied with his new toy. I kind of want to insist that he put the toy aside and wait for me. Is that unforgivably selfish?

A Unforgivably selfish? Doubtful. A little, tiny bit selfish? Perhaps. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing. After all, you’re jealous because you want him so much, and you want him to want you so much. What if he enjoys his vibrating cock ring AND he still wants you so much that it hurts? What then? Can he have both you and his toy? Sometimes toy use can complement a relationship and make the sexual build-up more exciting. He can use the toy to get psyched for his time with you and you can sit at work knowing that when you get home he will have worked himself into a frenzy. It may even be that your husband would be open to using the vibrating cock ring in a way that includes self-teasing but no release, at least on occasion. This may be particularly important if it is difficult for him to have more than one erection or ejaculation in a day, and if you feel like his ejaculations are going more toward the toy than you these days. Either way, this is something that you and your husband will need to negotiate, as you both have a right to your private sexuality (masturbation) as well as the potential for a shared sexuality. Let me know what you work out.

Send letters to Debby Herbenick, Ph.D., c/o Time Out Chicago, 247 South State Street, 17th floor, Chicago, IL 60604, or send e-mail to inandout@timeoutchicago.com.