In & Out

QI’ve been hanging out and hooking up with a guy for the last few months. He’s a totally cool guy, and we have a lot of fun together, similar interests, etc. We had “the talk” about wanting to have sex with each other, what that meant and how we both wanted to get tested before we did anything that could put us at risk. The only things we had done up until that point were kissing and watching each other jack off. We both got tested, and it turns out my new BF is HIV-positive, but I am not. We have both always been safe—or so we thought. The only person he ever had unprotected sex with was his long-term partner who he now thinks must have cheated on him. Ever since he learned that he was positive, I haven’t wanted to take that next step and have anal with him—even with a condom on. I feel bad, but that’s how it goes. I have not had a risky sex life and I don’t want to start now. I am glad that we found out his status, but I feel guilty about not having anal with him. He feels terrible enough already. Am I handling this in a decent way? Am I overreacting? It’s not like I plan to stop being sexual with him in other ways, just not in ways that could put me at risk for HIV.

A Choosing to be sexual with someone at all, or in certain ways (like having anal sex), is a personal decision based on various factors. For you, risk of infection is a major influencing factor—after all, that’s why you two talked to each other about infection risk and planned to get tested in the first place. That was a wise choice and, I think, a good sign of how well you two communicate and negotiate sensitive issues. Your partner’s status has clearly influenced your feelings about having anal sex with him, and that’s okay. You have the right to take care of your body (and your emotional self). If you two are interested in continuing your relationship without having anal sex, you might want to seek out factual information from a trusted source like Howard Brown Health Center (4025 N Sheridan Rd; 773-388-1600; howardbrown.org) about the levels of risk for different sexual behaviors that you’re considering. There are plenty of things you can do beyond kissing and watching each other masturbate, and the center can help inform you. Not only can it suggest safer sex-play tips, but it can also connect your partner with various HIV-related support and social services. These may be particularly helpful as he deals with his feelings about himself or his anger toward his ex. I think it’s fantastic that you’re not ditching this really terrific guy because of his test results—infection certainly doesn’t have to put an end to intimacy or exciting sex play, even though it may mean that it’s a barrier to anal sex for you. I certainly know male couples who nix anal for other reasons, such as one partner being so big (peniswise) that it hurts the other. This one behavior (or lack thereof) doesn’t have to define your relationship, just as your boyfriend’s HIV status doesn’t define him as a person. Try seizing that great potential you two have for communicating about sensitive issues, and brainstorm how to get through this—whether as lovers or as friends.

Q I give my boyfriend blow jobs all the time and it really seems to get him off, but what I’d really like to do is to stick his dick in between my boobs and get him off that way. I think it would feel really good for me, but I am a little scared about how he would feel about it. He was raised very religiously, and it has been difficult for him to be adventurous in our sex life. We pretty much play things by the book. Lots of missionary. A little oral. Very tender and loving, with lots of kissing. I like it a lot, actually. But every now and then, there is something a little out of the ordinary that I want to do, like this titty-fucking thing, and I’m not sure how to approach it.

A Although your boyfriend’s background might be largely vanilla, that doesn’t mean he wouldn’t be open to a little boob/penis play. After all, you’re fairly traditional yourself in terms of your sexual preferences with him, and yet you’re inclined to color just a tad outside the lines. Since you’re already down there giving him oral sex, why not position yourself in a way that transitions naturally in the direction of your breasts? For example, imagine going down on your boyfriend while he is lying in bed and you are facing him. It would be possible, and fairly easy, to kiss his shaft starting at the base and work your way up to the tip so that by the time your mouth is at the very tip, his shaft is close to, or touching, your breasts. From there, it would be easy enough to gently move your breasts against his penis, or to put one hand on the other side of his shaft, thus sandwiching his penis between your hand and breasts. From this vantage point, you could check his facial expression to make sure he isn’t about to run out the door to call his mom for help. More than likely, he will look pleased, and you may feel brave enough, then, to more actively rub his penis between your boobs. Then again, I don’t know your boyfriend, and maybe he is so traditional that a mouth on his penis is okay with him but a breast is not (wha?). If you think that is a possibility, then chat with him about it first. Whether you two comfortably IM, text, Facebook or talk in-person about sex is up to you. The point is to throw out the idea as part of a generally positive talk about your sex life. Ideally, you say how much you enjoy being sexual with him; hopefully he returns the sentiment, and then you say something like, “You know what I’ve been toying with for a little while? Something that might really turn me on?” And that’s your opening. My guess is that he’ll be open to some play, but either way, try to end the conversation well, either with a “Thanks for considering it; I like that you’re open to sharing ideas about sex, even if you end up not wanting to do it”—or an invitation to go and try your new agreed-upon move.

Q Sometimes I can’t get inside my wife, no matter how I try. It’s like a dead-end, and she and I don’t know what to do. It never used to happen but now it has happened a few times in the past month, which sucks because we were psyched to start having sex again after having a baby. We waited, and now her body isn’t cooperating. What gives?

A Depending on how long it’s been since your wife gave birth, it may be that her estrogen levels are low and thus she isn’t lubricating as easily or as much as she used to. Low lubrication can make penetration difficult (hence, lubricant is used during gyn exams; otherwise few women’s bodies would willingly make way for an ice-cold speculum!). Any low estrogen/lubrication she’s experiencing is coupled with what is, I’d guess, a fair amount of stress and fatigue. Her body is still in major adjustment mode, hormonally and emotionally. Try spending more time in foreplay doing exciting things together, to up her natural lubrication. Consider also using a store-bought lubricant—I like Good Clean Love (goodcleanlove.com) and Pure Pleasure (pureromance.com). If, even with a personal lubricant and a little patience, penetration remains challenging, your wife should check in with her health-care provider, in case there are other issues at play.

Send letters to Debby Herbenick, Ph.D. c/o Time Out Chicago, 247 South State Street, 17th floor, Chicago, IL 60604, or send e-mail to inandout@timeoutchicago.com