In & Out

Q I have just recently started having sex and have not yet reached the orgasm stage. I have had sex enough times so it does not hurt anymore, but what do I need to do to have an orgasm? How do I know when I am close to reaching orgasm, and how can I hold onto that feeling so I can finally experience an orgasm?

A Patience, my dear. You may be one of the few lucky women who learns to have an orgasm within her first few weeks or months of sex, but for most women, learning to orgasm takes time and practice. Fortunately, it can be a heck of a lot of fun to practice! Female orgasm is complex, and to be honest, we don’t fully understand how it all works. However, it’s increasingly clear that there are several nerve pathways through which orgasm can result. You may find that stimulation of the outside part of your clitoris (the glans) increases your pleasure and/or leads to orgasm, as might stimulation of the front wall of your vagina (the famed “G-spot”) or even deeper vaginal stimulation (at the cervix, which is at the end of the vagina and the opening of the uterus). Anal sex, too, is a way some women orgasm—as are breast play and sexual fantasies, but those latter two are less common. Clearly they can’t all be covered here, but we have space enough for a few basic tips and a good book referral that may make the difference between “pleasant” and “OMG.” First, try to relax—seems trite, perhaps, but relaxation is key to many women’s orgasms. Try to become comfortable talking to your partner about sex, seeing each other naked (even with the lights on), checking out each other’s “sex faces,” and dealing with the sights, sounds and scents of sex. If you can do that—and it may take time—it will be a huge step forward. Second, consider practicing on your own. Many women and men have their first several orgasms during masturbation—which makes sense, given that you may feel more comfortable taking as long as you want to come, trying out different types of touch (or vibration!), body positions, breathing styles (slow versus quick) or simply not worrying if you look funny while you orgasm. Oh, and everyone looks funny when they orgasm. Finally, when you start to feel supergood, it may actually feel as if you’re about to lose control—that’s okay. In fact, it may be a sign that you’re approaching orgasm. Some women feel freaked out and back off when they are oh-so-close to a yummy, exciting orgasm. Check out Becoming Orgasmic (Fireside, $15) for more tips.

Q I’m hoping you can help me with a concern I have that has completely gotten in the way of my sex life. Last year, I had a blister at the base of my penis. I went to the doctor and had a culture done on it, and it came back negative. Six months later, I had a herpes test done, supposedly the gold standard of herpes tests, and that came back negative, too. The girl I was dating at the time also said she was negative, though I’m not sure if she was tested. My doctor told me that it was nothing to worry about, and I have had nothing resembling a breakout since. However, I have been avoiding sexual contact for 17 months in fear that I nonetheless might have herpes. I know the science is on my side, but I keep asking myself: “If it wasn’t herpes, why did you have a blister at the base of your penis?”

A Here’s the deal: Your penis is, I’m sure, an amazing example of male genitalia. Most are. But, for all of its wonderful, tasty, erection-prone possibilities, it’s still just a body part covered in skin. In the course of daily life, our skin may get scratched, bruised or blistered. I have a favorite pair of heels that I wear, but I absolutely have to put a slippery blister block on my feet (or ChapStick in a pinch) or else I’m bound to get blisters. If you cook and splash hot oil or water, you may blister. Then there are sunburn blisters. As for your penis blister, perhaps it rubbed the wrong way against your underwear or a tight pair of jeans or when your girlfriend was riding you hard one night. Who knows? The point is that it was a single occurrence, you tested negative, and you have no scientific reason to believe the blister had anything to do with herpes. There is no reason for you not to get back in the game. It seems you’re refusing to get close to someone for fear of having an infection that your doctors have said you don’t have. Having heard from people who contracted infections from a partner who lied to them about having an STI, I deeply admire your wish to protect potential partners. However, you have options. You could tell a potential partner that you once had a blister that you were concerned about, you were tested more than once and each test came back negative. That’s good news from a partner’s perspective! Many men and women have never even been tested; you, on the other hand, are conscientious about your sexual health. If you ever get another blister (especially a painful one) on your genitals, by all means check with a doctor. But right now, it seems everyone—except you—has given you a clean bill of health.

Q My clitoris is so extremely sensitive that I don’t like it to be touched, before or during sex or masturbation. I often don’t even come because it is so hard to bear. Please help me.

A Usually a woman’s clitoris contributes to her sexual enjoyment, so I’m sorry to hear that your clitoris is doing the opposite. What you’re describing—clitoral sensitivity so intense that it interferes with sexual pleasure, whether alone or with a partner—is fairly uncommon. As such, many doctors may not have a lot of experience treating it, so you might be best served by making an appointment with a health-care provider who specializes in vulvar and vaginal health. You can ask for a referral by contacting the International Society for the Study of Vulvovaginal Disease (issvd.org) or the National Vulvodynia Association (nva.org). Occasionally, genital sensitivity is affected by certain health conditions or medications, so if your clitoral sensitivity coincided with such events, let your health-care provider know. Sometimes women who have an uncomfortably sensitive clitoris find that very small amounts of numbing creams (such as those that contain benzocaine) applied to the sensitive outside parts (like the glans clitoris) help them to experience more pleasurable sex. Ask your health-care provider about that possibility and whether it’s right for you. The good news about the clitoris is that the bulk of it is inside a woman’s body—see The Clitoral Truth (Seven Stories Press, $15.95) for fascinating diagrams of the clitoris—and if you don’t already orgasm from vaginal stimulation of these internal parts, you may find that it’s an easier and more comfortable approach rather than direct clitoral stimulation. Finally, you might try to tweak sex in ways that reduce direct contact on your clitoris—for example, perhaps rear entry would be more comfortable than the coital alignment technique (which involves much grinding against the glans clitoris) or woman on top. Adding a good deal of water-based lubricant may be helpful, too.

Send letters to Debby Herbenick, Ph.D., c/o Time Out Chicago, 247 South State Street, 17th floor, Chicago, IL 60604, or send e-mail to inandout@timeoutchicago.com.

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