In & Out

Q I have never been one of those girls who supposedly loves giving oral sex, although I don’t mind it. However, with my new boyfriend, whenever I start to perform oral sex on him my mouth gets really dry after a few minutes. I don’t remember this being a problem with other partners, but it has been awhile since I’ve gone down on a guy. Is this something that happens to other women?

A Yes, sometimes people’s mouths get dry during oral sex, especially if they are putting out a lot of spit trying to keep things slippery for their partner. That said, if you’ve noticed a dry mouth at other times during the day—when you do not have a penis in your mouth—it’s worth mentioning to your health-care provider. Medications can cause people’s mouths to feel dry as can certain health conditions (such as diabetes). As luck would have it, having something in the mouth to chew or suck on can stimulate a person’s salivary glands, so playing with his penis in your mouth (but please don’t chew on it!) may actually help. If you want to make things wetter for him, consider a flavored lubricant. If you need to make things wetter for you, keep some water on the nightstand, have sex in the shower or ask him to come already. Yum.

Q I’m in my late teens. After a little bisexual thing in seventh grade, I have identified myself as a straight guy. I am a dancer, so I have few straight-guy friends to hang out with. I also have very few girls who see me as more than a friend. I have a best friend who said he was straight too, but one night I slept over at his house and watched porn and we got really horny. He offered a hand job, I accepted, and then we just slowly went on from there to anal. I had never even been touched there by a girl before, and in one night lost my virginity to my best friend. He is now “bi-ish” and after some thinking I have realized I am a straight guy who is just so horny and lonely he slept with his gay (or bi-ish) friend. I still kinda want hand jobs from him, but nothing more, and I don’t want to continue this when I get with some girls. When I told him this, he said, “Let’s play it by ear.” What I want to know is this: Is this more common between guys than I think it is? Also, I don’t want to ruin our friendship and don’t want to hurt him when I stop our relations when I get a girlfriend. What should I do and say? Have I ruined my friendship for good?

A Guys having sex with other guys and then going on to have sex exclusively with women is more common in some cultures than others. It’s unclear how common it is in the United States—but it’s certainly not unheard-of. I’ve heard from quite a few teen and college-age women who are doing the same thing until they find a guy they want to be with (ever heard the term lesbian until graduation?). Some researchers study “situational homosexuality” or even “institutional homosexuality,” referring to heterosexual people having sex with same-sex partners when access to other-sex partners is cut off or limited (think prison, armed forces, single-sex schools). If you’re enjoying your friends-with-benefits situation, then great. However, it sounds as if you want to have more discussion about what you are or aren’t doing together, whereas your friend is taking a more casual “let’s see how it goes” approach. If it’s important to you to discuss it further or establish ground rules, then insist on talking before you indulge in more hand jobs. Sharing your expectations for your friendship as well as your long-term romantic and sexual relationships can help set you on a path to have the friendships and dating life you want. If you would like to start meeting women, let your female friends know that you’re looking. Just because they may not be interested doesn’t mean their friends aren’t.

Q I recently started dating a girl who is still a virgin. She wants to have sex but is scared of pregnancy, so she began taking birth control. Now the pills are causing her to lose her sex drive to the point of not wanting any sexual contact. She’s looking into whether switching brands might help, but what if it doesn’t? What can we do?

A It’s true that birth-control pills can cause a drop in desire among some women, but that’s not the only potential cause. Women and men—especially those who are new to sex—sometimes second-guess their choice to have sex. She may be concerned about pregnancy or infection, what will become of your relationship or whether sex will hurt. Unfortunately, there’s no research that suggests one pill brand is better than another in terms of sexual side effects (in fact, there is strikingly little research on birth control and female sexuality), but she might ask her health-care provider about trying different methods of birth control. You could, for example, try condoms plus withdrawal as one strategy. Regardless, I’d recommend paying attention to the situation as a whole—not just focusing on her pill choice—to see what might help her feel more comfortable or ready for sex. She may, after all this, just not be feeling ready, which is okay too.

Q At age 45, my penis has become completely horizontal if I were to stand up when erect. It’s not like the days of my youth with a vertical slope. Recently I had a bit of a problem penetrating a woman via missionary. Granted, we’d both had a bit of wine and I came just earlier in the evening. Any clue about what caused it, realizing you weren’t here? Can my sexual days be ending? I like to be on bottom and I find the horizontal slope actually helps there!

A True, I wasn’t there. But I can’t even begin to imagine that your sex life is anywhere close to over. You’re only 45! So your penis has lost some of its vertical slope (very common with age). As you said, the horizontal slope actually opens up new doors when you’re on the bottom. When a guy is very vertical and tries woman-on-top, it usually means that either his partner awkwardly tries to make his penis stick straight up to the ceiling (ouch) or she slides up closer to his face to make it work, thus blocking any view of the actual penetration that so many people enjoy looking at. So now you can get the stimulation you like and a good view to boot! As for that awkward night, it’s hard to say why you had difficulty penetrating your partner. If you haven’t been together often, then it could be due to a lack of familiarity with her vagina. Some women are more prone to vaginal “fall out” issues with their partner’s penis, especially if they have had traumatic vaginal births. Other times, the combination of two awkward (or drunk) people can make for clumsy sex. You also ejaculated earlier in the day, which could have contributed to a slightly less firm erection. In any case, rest assured that you have excellent chances of having a satisfying, pleasurable sex life for many years to come.

Send letters to Debby Herbenick, Ph.D., c/o Time Out Chicago, 247 South State Street, 17th floor, Chicago, IL 60604, or send e-mail to inandout@timeoutchicago.com.

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