In & Out

Q This may seem like a silly question, but it matters to our sex life. My husband gets very hot. I am generally quite cold. I can manage at night with an extra blanket and thick pajamas (the best compromise we’ve found). But we both like it when I dress up in lingerie and this becomes highly uncomfortable as Chicago’s winter chill sets in. Eventually, uncomfortable translates into impossible and we have sex less often. Any suggestions on how to look sexy while staying warm?
A What’s so silly about wanting to stay warm enough in bed that one can actually have sex rather than curl up in a ball and shiver from chills rather than orgasms? I get similar questions more than you might guess, especially as women tend to be more sensitive to cool temperatures than men. With more lean muscle on their bodies—and often more hair—men tend to stay warmer than we women. So how to make sex work between two people with different needs for warmth, especially in the case of lingerie? Maybe when the weather cools down, you can switch out your indoor wardrobe, too, not just your outdoor clothes. Sock Dreams (sockdreams.com) sells a wide range of socks, tights and panty hose of assorted lengths, materials and designs. Check out its thigh-high section! Why not wear some extra snuggly cotton or Lycra/acrylic thigh-highs to bed? Last year, I bought a great pair of warm, woolly thigh-highs at Loehmann’s as well as a pair of over-the-knee socks. Though I bought them for everyday wear, they got good reviews inside the house, too. Pair them with a thin but warm cashmere top and you might find an attractive, sexy ensemble that you can easily remove once you get warmed up and aroused. Fall and winter may also be good seasons for sex in a warm bath or shower, provided you have some silicone-based lubricant on hand and a warm towel or robe to slip into when done. Having cunnilingus? Drape your upper body with a warm blanket. On top? Drape the blanket over your back. Still cold? Try missionary and have him be your human blanket. Or try using a space heater to temporarily warm up the room for sex, then shut it off when you’re ready to sleep. There are definitely modifications one can make for sex in the cold, but they do take forethought, creativity and willingness to wear awesome thigh-high socks.

Q My wife and I are in our midfifties. Prior to this year, we probably had sex about nine times a year. I would have liked it to be more but never pressed the issue. However, since this past February, I have felt an extreme increase in sexual desire. Nothing different happened in February, either physically or emotionally, that I can think of. We now have sex about once a week, although I think she is doing it mostly to accommodate me. But feeling this way on a daily basis is frustrating. Is this something all men begin feeling as they get older (thus the expression “dirty old man”)? Is there anything I can do about it, short of asking my wife to have sex even more often?
A Yours is an interesting question. In fact, desire tends to decline with age (generally speaking) for women and men. That said, we also know that desire ebbs and flows for reasons not fully understood. Also, desire isn’t just physical. The fact that you are now having sex more often—heck, five times as often—may have fueled your desires even more. Or, as many men do with age, you may have found new meaning and enjoyment in sex that extends beyond the physical to include more emotional components. Many men find that they enjoy a wider range of sexual activities as they get older and wiser and that their sex lives become less about their penis and more about connection and intimacy. If you’ve become happier or more relaxed about life or more accepting of your own or your wife’s body or aging process, you may be more open to tapping into your natural desire for sex. As for grappling with your desire, you could masturbate more often. You could also approach your wife for more frequent physical intimacy without sex, which she might enjoy so long as there is no pressure on her to do any more than you’ve agreed to (think bathing together, making out, cuddling naked or clothed, masturbating in front of her). You might even ask her how she’s enjoying your sex life these days. You might be surprised to learn that she, too, is happier with the greater frequency but doesn’t know how to express her pleasure in ways that resonate with you. Or she might suggest other types of sex, or different types of foreplay or lovemaking, that she would enjoy and that you two just haven’t tried yet—or tried often enough.

Q My girlfriend says she’s bi, but I’m worried she’s actually a lesbian or will leave me for a woman. When I express this to her, she gets very upset and says that it’s a stereotype and it’s wrong and I need to get over it. I have tried to accept that she likes and gets turned on by both women and men, and that she could see herself in a relationship with either sex. That last part is hard to swallow, though. I can only be one sex (a guy), and I worry she’ll miss women at some point. Unlike a lot of men, I’m not into threesomes. She thinks I worry too much. Do I have reason to worry that she could leave me for a woman?
A My advice? Try to relax and be happy unless she gives you reason to feel otherwise. She might leave you for a woman one day—or for another man. Then again, you might leave her for another partner. Or you may leave each other for reasons related to jobs, work, school, sanity, money or cleanliness. There’s no predicting these things. Just because someone likes twice the genders that you do doesn’t mean they feel attracted to twice as many people as you do or are any less trustworthy. If you like or love each other and want to be together, give it a shot. Whether it works out forever or for another week, you may find this to be an enjoyable, helpful or insightful relationship.

Q My boyfriend has butt pimples. Like, big gross oozy ones. I have no idea how to approach this, but it’s nasty and has got to stop. It’s hard to get all excited about him when I’m afraid he’s going to ooze his pus out onto me.
A You know what? His butt pimples may indeed ooze on you or your sheets. That’s life and that’s sex. If you’re terrified of the oozing, ask him to pop them well before climbing into bed or choose sex positions that keep his butt pimples at a distance (woman-on-top, missionary, coital alignment technique and rear-entry come to mind). Like grabbing him? Grab his back instead. Or start taking showers together and help him exfoliate where the sun don’t shine. If it’s really terrible or bothers him, suggest he check in with a dermatologist who can suggest targeted cleaning and/or moisturizing practices.

Send letters to Debby Herbenick, Ph.D., c/o Time Out Chicago, 247 South State Street, 17th floor, Chicago, IL 60604, or send e-mail to inandout@timeoutchicago.com.

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