In & Out

Q As a woman who is weirded out by the “bald” craze I have to ask: Are there still men in the world who like women in their natural state, unshaven everywhere (underarms, legs, bikini)?
A Yes, there are men like that—and no, they don’t all live in Berkeley, California. Quite a few are right here in your own backyard (well, not exactly your backyard, which would be creepy, but you get the idea). That said, because it’s the norm for women to remove all of their underarm and leg hair and at least some of their pubey-pube-pubes, it can be surprising when a woman chooses to stay all-natural. I know one woman, for example, whose elementary school students thought she might be a man because of her body hair, which she used as a “teachable moment” about gender. I’ve known quite a few women who enjoy their bodies in the natural, hair-covered state and are open about this fact (say, by wearing sleeveless dresses in warm weather); they tend to attract men or women who accept them and all their hair right off the bat. Of course, in cold weather, it’s difficult to show off one’s body-hair choices. As such, you might find it easier to mention it to someone you’re dating, lest you spring an unexpected surprise while undressing. Really, some might not notice if you didn’t mention it; others might love it or not mind; but sadly, some might react with disgust. It’s not that body hair is bad, ugly or unattractive. But some men and women are highly uncomfortable with their own or others’ body hair. Most women and men are adaptive and can learn to accept a range of things about someone they really like. Years ago, I didn’t particularly find men with facial hair attractive. Then, I unexpectedly fell for someone who sported a mustache for the first few months of our relationship. I even missed it when he eventually shaved it off and now I can love and appreciate all variations of facial hair in men. So you never know what you can lay on the table and ask someone else to accept. But you can count on the fact that some people, especially those who very much like you and want to be with you, will open their heart and their desire to you, and will enjoy running their fingers through your body hair in the most sensual of ways.

Q I have been told that this is strange, but I need to know if I’m alone here. I can predict that a woman will have her period a few days beforehand, by smelling her. I don’t even need to be in close proximity. Sometimes I could walk into the room, take a whiff, and I know Aunt Flow is coming to visit. I can tell with my wife and with complete strangers, as well. I can only describe it as a very pronounced primal scent. Am I alone?
A If genuine, your special gift is certainly uncommon. I haven’t seen any studies or data that suggest people can tell from a woman’s scent when she is a few days away from her period, though it may be possible for a small proportion of highly sensitive individuals such as yourself. Certainly, many women exude a very faint scent when they are menstruating, but it is unusual to pick up on this scent unless perhaps a woman is wearing a menstrual pad, for example, with a significant amount of blood on it or if she simply happens to have a stronger scent than other women. I have to wonder, too, just how you have tested this theory: How many women have you smelled? And after you take your little whiff in their presence, how do you know that you’re right? Do you actually ask women if they are within a few days of their period? If so, have you gotten any feedback from women that suggests they feel your questions are awkward, inappropriate or bordering on creepy? Because in all honesty, if I were at Whole Foods minding my own business eating all of the samples, and some guy walked up to me and asked me if I was about to get my period, I would be seriously taken aback. So, do I find this interesting and vaguely plausible? Yes, actually, I do. As a scientist, I can see that it may be possible. I can also see that, statistically, your odds of being right are pretty good if we assume that about one-third to one-half of the month most nonpregnant women of reproductive age are either having their period or within a week of having their period. So it also might just be a fluke and not a very good reason to keep asking women you don’t know about the timing of their periods.

Q I’m a fairly worldly person, but I appear to be sorely lacking some information. How does one use a bidet? Does one straddle the bidet, squat backward or what? Is it used by men and women? To clean the anal area or just the urinary tract opening? Is it for all the time or just before sex?
A Oh, those funny bidets that squirt water on our nether regions (this is in contrast to automatic flush toilets that unexpectedly squirt bowl water where it doesn’t belong). Some bidets are built for sitting; others for squatting (note where there’s a seatlike rim). As with toilets, a bidet can be used either way. Both women and men can use a bidet to clean the area around the anal opening. Women can clean their vulva, too, following urination. Some people use bidets for routine hygiene. Others, for cultural reasons, are used to washing their genitals with water rather than toilet paper. If you travel outside of the U.S., you may stumble upon countries that don’t have much use for toilets but that do have holes in the ground, with a nearby water spigot for washing. Here in the U.S., some men and women find that using a bidet helps them to feel cleaner before they have sex. Some women also find that using a bidet can be a preferred way of postpee cleaning if their genitals are sensitive to toilet paper or their own urine, as happens with some vulvar skin conditions.

Q Does sperm deteriorate in quality as a man ages? We are a couple with more than thirty years difference between us. I am in my early thirties and he is in his late sixties; we’re trying to make a decision regarding possible pregnancy.
A When a couple considers becoming pregnant, they may ponder any number of things: Can we afford to have a baby? How are we getting along these days, and do we plan to stay together? Do we have similar ideas about how to raise a child together? Then there are issues of fertility, age and health. Men—like women—face fertility challenges with age. As men get into their later thirties and older, they may have fewer and slower sperm, and they are slightly more likely to have babies with birth defects. This doesn’t mean that men in their late thirties—or sixties—shouldn’t have children. Older parents may bring other strengths to the table, such as more patience, financial stability or a more stable relationship than they had in their twenties. There are many ways to make parenting work, and sperm are only part of the picture.

Send letters to Debby Herbenick, Ph.D., c/o Time Out Chicago, 247 South State Street, 17th floor, Chicago, IL 60604, or send e-mail to inandout@timeoutchicago.com.

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