Where there’s smoke

Photograph by Marzena Abrahamik

ANONYMOUS STONER NO. 1

Product Ultra Klean Ultra Wash ($30 at detoks.com)
Claims The one-ounce bottle is billed as a “Saliva Cleansing Mouth Wash,” right under the words “500% MONEY-BACK GUARANTEE!” (I assume the exclamation point is so we’ll know it’s true.)
Test-subject toxicity I smoke two to three times a week—and there might still be leftover resin in my system from the amount I burned through during the election—but, in the interest of research, I smoked quite a bit more than usual the weekend before trying to “Klean” out my system.
The pretest I self-administered a spit test (Aventir Biotech-brand Saliva QuikScreen from detoks.com, $30). Oh, look, it appears that I have THC in my system. Would this be less funny if I weren’t so high right now? No telling.
Taste of detox It’s the exact color of Green Apple Pucker, which is highly misleading given the heinous saline taste. Swishing it around in my mouth was disgusting; peppermint is listed as one of the ingredients, but so are glycerin, magnesium sulfate, potassium chloride, aloe vera and witch hazel. Which might explain the unpleasant flavor.
Side effects I felt kind of stupid for my eligibility to participate in this article.
Did it work? Not so much. I took the second test, and the results were nearly identical to my predetox test, indicating that demon THC was, indeed, in my saliva. The good news: In both the “before” and “after” tests, I came up negative for opium.

NEXT>> Marijuana can stay in your hair for three years, and over drug test myths.