Foul ball talk

Ryne Smitka, 23

Are you named after Ryne Sandberg?
I’m fuckin’ named after Ryne Sandberg, dude. R-Y-N-E—check my ID out!

Why aren’t you in the game?
They kicked me out for chanting, “Let’s go, Dempster!” Meanwhile, Ronnie “Woo Woo” is next to me going, “Woo! Woo!” I’ve been to over 200 Cubs games, and that’s the first time I’ve been kicked out. They kicked me out, so I walked into the building next to the fire station and fucking stole this GO CUBS sign, dude.

You’re miffed about being kicked out.
Fuck yeah, dude. I’m the biggest fucking Cubs fan here. I’ve spent more money than any fuckin’ body here. I’m gonna estimate $2,000.

How much of that was spent on tickets and how much was on booze?
The majority was tickets.

On your list of priorities, would you rather have universal health care or a Cubs World Series victory?
A Cubs World Series. But I will say, I do have very bad teeth and I have a huge scar, dude. It’s ten inches long and four inches wide.

Fascinating. How’d it happen?
I went down a Slip ’n Slide and fuckin’ sliced my leg open, dude. I had 22 staples, and I told the nurse to give me an extra one because 23 is my favorite number because of Ryne Sandberg. She gave me an extra staple.

Would you sleep with Ryne Sandberg if given the chance?
I would not suck Sandberg’s dick even if he asked me, but I fuckin’ am so in love with the Cubs.

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